There is one big theme that has been in my mind during last few days and to give it the real healing, I feel like I need to write it down and share it with you. I need to give voice to the little girl inside of me. Since I’m writing this I feel a bit nervous, I don’t know what will come through and in what form.
I met a special person few days ago and with his help I faced something that has been affecting me, my life and my relationships all my life.
I am talking about people pleasing aka manipulation.
This hit me hard. I’ve been manipulating many of my relationships all my life. I haven’t given people my truth but learned a shadow way of living. The amount of shame that rose while realizing this puts me still in tears. I am practicing forgiving myself – fully, wholeheartedly.
I want to go forward in my life, level up and live a life that truly matches to my vibration. In order to do that I need to clear the blockages that are holding me back. I found a block that is affecting on how I communicate with some people and how I feel about myself. It’s pretty fucked up.
I dived deep into my feelings and I found lack of trusting myself, fear of fully standing in my truth and discomfort at expressing my needs.
I started solving it and woah what a world opened. It all goes back to my childhood and learning to suppress feelings since early age. I hated conflicts (I physically still can’t scream out loud… working on it…) and wanted everyone to be happy so I would be happy. (Since early age I took a lot of responsibility that I need to do all I can to control the situation.)
Since being the little girl, I have loved to play, touch, share and care. I’ve been good with women but… not that well with men. With women I have been able to be me but with men it’s been a rocky road.
Every person and family has their own structure and challenges and every parent does their best while having their own journey going on. I think my situation might be common among some families and especially among girls. The lack of emotionally conscious men around and being the little girl who tries to be good to everyone. (Which showed up sometimes in nasty ways in my own behavior when the emotions tried to force themselves out.)
As a kid I felt nurtured by my mom. She gave me a lot, especially her time and whatever I needed the ways that she knew. My dad traveled a lot when I was young and I stayed a lot with my mom. Dad’s attention has always been going outside to work and everything outer. As a young girl I learned that work is important and money causes conflicts. I can now see his own struggle. I guess that he as a young boy was never taught to express feelings consciously.
With my big brother I have always felt outsider. I so wanted to play together and spend time with him. Unfortunately I have many memories of feeling unwanted and being the “annoying little sister.”
So as a young observant girl I learned that if I give my dad and my brother what they want and what they are interested in, I’d receive what I want – love and attention from them. I learned to please and manipulate as a kid and this expanded through the years. I have unconsciously manipulated friend relationships and everything.
I have a memory of offering candy money for my brother in order to make him happy. It made me happy that I was able to make him happy. With my dad I learned to stay quiet of my needs, give him time what is important to him and talk about his interests. I also have memories of being emotionally punished of speaking my truth and and put down after.
As a teenager I almost ended up studying what my dad was interested about that I was able to make him happy and proud. (I almost ended up going to aviation school instead of high school. Thanks god I knew to listen myself a bit more at that point.) (Dad if you are reading, please see this as me solving my emotional background. I love you.)
As a kid I was the proudest of myself how good I was at football. I didn’t get much support from my dad or brother to anything football related. I remember though the time when my dad bought his first pair of soccer shoes that we can go to play together. We never did but I loved the gesture.
Realizing this childhood manner of mine, a lot of other occasions came to my mind. No wonder I was everybody’s friend at school because I was able to give everyone what they needed and then they’d like me. No wonder I was awarded as a “best supporter” in my teams. I have always been putting a lot of attention to what others are doing, how good they are and putting others on a pedestal – putting others ahead of myself.
Through my life I’ve done trillions and billions of decisions based on what is better for others, what they would like and “whatever” was my common opinion as a kid. Wonder why I struggle to find out what I want in my life.
The fact that my childhood experiences were related to males have had a huge impact on how I have related with men through my life. When I was young I used to play footy with boys so I have spent a lot of time with men and got to know them as early age. When everything happened around football, everything felt safe and normal with men, I trusted my skills and me. Many boys liked me because I was feminine, self-confident footy girl. Things got interesting when I stopped playing. I didn’t feel proud of myself that easily anymore and felt less confident with non-footy guys.
After football, getting older and starting dating and having sex, things got more emotionally fucked up. “What would I give to men now because I don’t feel confident enough just as me anymore, so I must please to make them like me.”
Men’s attention was always important to me. I have craved for it and cried for the lack of it. When I look at it, the funny thing is I have always had lots of males around me. I have even been the girl that guys come to open up about their girlfriends. (Surprise much) I loved it until I got tired of just giving. I didn’t listen and express my needs.
From 16 yo to 24 I struggled a lot for my own fault/at my own cost. I got into relationship where I was fully putting down my own needs and putting the other one before of all my needs. I was literally blind in love but I chose the person and tried my everything to make him like me. Wonder why the relationship did’t work.
I wasn’t honest.
I made myself find again and again new way to make the other one happy. Not myself.
The real fun started when I got into my first “real job”. Ohhh aaalll the ways how I tried to please my male boss. Of course he liked it but also unconsciously used it against me, which caused me more confusion. Male leadership is something that I still struggle with till this day. With relationships I can give myself a lot of respect, I have gone far and am currently just finding more ways to show more of me to the other one.
Now I promise to myself to be conscious of all my relationships. When I see my own pleasing or manipulation happening, I will stop and ask myself “What are you afraid of? What is it that you really feel like? What is the truth?”. I encourage myself to see beauty even in the feelings that I know the other one won’t like. Everybody around me deserves to be treated with transparency. I promise to stop using men that gives me unconditionally. With my knowledge of men, I will help men to find their way to open their hearts.
Finishing this text, I watch clock and it’s 11.28 22.8.2018. I laugh out loud. All my numbers. This gives me strength to actually post this even though it might make the related men unhappy. This is my truth, my journey, my healing.
I love you.